I don't think about writing much but I will when I remember. This weekend was fun, we went to a wedding for a friend of Zach. It was nice to see people and we had a lot of fun. Zach was kind of emotional towards me when they were saying their vows. It was a good change in him, who knows how long it will last. I know he loves me but sometimes I feel like we are living in the same house but don't know each other. He is working more hours than he ever has before. He is going to work at 7:45am every morning and on Mondays and Thursdays he isn't getting home until almost 10pm because there is still work at 8 when he is supposed to leave, and the rest of the week he is out at 6 but isn't getting to leave until 7 or later. He calls at closing time every single day of the week and he calls from the locker room when he is getting dressed to let me know he is on his way home. People ask me "well do you really believe that he is working all of those hours or do you think he is cheating?". I KNOW he isn't cheating because he wouldn't and if I needed proof he brings home a print out every Saturday for me to look at that shows how many hours he was punched in and how much money he made. Being comission he does not have to punch in but being the logical person he is he does it anyway. He never wants to be in a situation where he can't account for where he was if he had to. I think also he is proud of getting that piece of paper at the end of the week that shows he worked 73 or 75 hours. This Saturday he got out at 12 so we could go to the wedding and it was nice to be with him from then until 6am on Monday. It is honestly the most time I have spent with him since we got married. On Saturday night when we got home he wanted to watch TV and talk and make food and that is so not like him but he said it was because he is always in a hurry and he had time to spend with me so he was going to take advantage of it. He fell asleep sitting up at 4 in the morning that is how dedicated he was to making sure I knew he wanted to be with me while he had the chance. Ok now I have to wonder Who Is This Person????? What happened to him? Since he has been putting a little more effort into things I have been putting more effort into the things I have been neglecting. I have been upset I guess about being alone so much so I just said fuck cleaning shit, I got so mad about pop cans and plates being all over the living room and clothes being on the floor constantly that I just gave up and cleaned that stuff up and left the rest of the house to fend for its self. I realized after this weekend that there is nothing he is doing wrong besides being tired but I am just feeling neglected and responsible for being a maid. That isn't the case, at least that is not how he tries to treat me. I had to take out the craziness of being pregnant and upset all of the time and look at it like, ok if I worked all of those hours and then had to come home and be a parent until bedtime and then be a spouse for a while before I could go to bed too I would certainly not give a fuck where I put my socks and where I left the Pepsi can. So what it really was is I was feeling like I was the one giving up the attention and like I was last priority. Once I didn't feel like that I started to want to clean the house and make dinner for him again. I hope that things stay like this for a while. We might be going to Indiana in a few weeks to meet Captain John and Captain Andy from the Time Bandit. He gets 80 hours vacation time so we will take the first week to go do that and then the second week between Christmas and New years so he can be home a little more during the holidays. Hopefully it works out because I need to get away for at least a little bit before the new baby comes. I don't know I just hope the good stuff lasts, I am so paranoid all the time because I think things are going to get bad again and I just can't handle the way I feel when it's bad. I can handle everything that comes as long as my kids are healthy and here with me and as long as Zach and I are good. When things go wrong in those 2 areas I just fall apart. We shall see won't we?

What a perfect day to start something new, right? I feel like every July 16 is a new time to start over and look forward to life at a new age, and push the years I would like to forget back in time 365 more days. I have learned SOOOO much in the past 5 years and I am grateful for aging and gaining new perspective on life, parenting, marriage, and family. This past year being 25 I can say has been the single most stable, rational, and "normal" year I have ever had. I look back and there were no screaming fights, no troubles in the relationships with my parents, Dallas seemed to grow up so much, Brooklyn matured a lot into a huge helper, I have guided Zachary into the beautiful toddler he is right now, and I had a great best friend to support me and cheer me on through it all even when she couldn't do that for herself and that is a true friend to me. It seems all those years of chaos in relationships just kind of let up and gave me a break for a while. I know happiness is fleeting so that is why I need to be grateful for it when I have it. I know from all that has happened as long as I have my children alive and well and here with me, Zach alive and well and laying next to me at night, my parents alive and well and there for me when I need them, and Sheena and her babies alive and well to love, I will be fine. Those are truly the things that have come to matter and I have no one left to impress because my life is full of people that I don't need to impress because their love for me goes beyond that. I just wanted to start this off on a good note because I am filled with love and happiness today. Sometimes I feel less than appreciated and today I know that I am so appreciated and cared for and that just filled me up so much unexpectedly. I have such loving in-laws too, I wanted to add that. I got a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Zach's brother Chris and his girlfriend and they added Peggys name to the card. Zach's grandparents sent me a card that told me how much she loved me and how strong she thinks I am, Zach and his grandma also split the cost of a BEAUTIFUL Coach purse that Zach surprised me with last night and I love it so so so much, and Peggy gave me a card thanking me for being there for her. I also got the news that when her social security settlement comes I will be getting as much money as Zach and Chris for helping to take care of her through the years. I think that makes me feel most appreciated and believe me I appreciate it. Well I am happy right now and tomorrow I will wake up and it will just be another normal day but all of the things that happened today will help so much in making it another 365 days of trying to be good to the people I love so that they don't regret letting me know how much I am loved and cared for.